my_daroga | Don't just stare like you never cared

As I wrote in

lawgrrl_23's journal, "Selfless, Cold and Composed" is one of my favorite songs of all time. I think it hurts me because I feel like I'm the person he's singing to. I could be that girl.

I said what you wanted to hear
And what I wanted to say
So I will take it back
Are all the dishes in tact
Let them be broken

It's easy to be
Easy and free
When it doesn't mean anything
You remain
Selfless, cold and composed

You've done me no
Favor to call and be nice
Telling me I
Can take anything I like
Your don't owe me to be so polite
You've done no wrong
You've done no wrong
Get out of my sight

It's easy to be
Easy and free
When it doesn't mean anything
To remain
Selfless, cold and composed

Come on baby
Now throw me a right to the chin
Don't just stare like you never cared
I know you did
You just smiled
Like a bank teller
Telling me blankly, have a nice life

Come on baby
Throw me a right to the chin
Just one sign
That could show me that you give a shit
But you just smile politely
And I grow weaker and I ...

Said what you wanted to hear
And what I wanted to say
So I will take it back

It's easy to be
Easy and free
When it doesn't mean anything
When it doesn't mean anything
You can take anything
So selfless, cold and composed

I've always suspected myself of being too aloof, too cold. I turned away potential partners because I was convinced I didn't feel as deeply as other people. I actually believed I was incapable of deeper emotion. I think I'm mostly over that now, since one of them was persistent enough to convince me I was wrong. But this song still evokes that fear in me; that the worst thing I can do is not care but it might come too easily for me.

But damn, I love that song. Many of my favorite songs have that element of masochism in them, that quality that makes me think of sitting in my room when I was 17 and hated my life. Why do I like that? When I was fourteen I'd read the "Counterpoint" section of Susan Kay's Phantom, the Christine/Erik part (yes, I know everyone else hates that part), over and over because it hurt so bad. And you know what? It's that quality of feeling "too much" that I craved; the proof was right there in those pages that I wasn't an automaton. I had feelings. They just weren't excited by anything in my real life. There's still an element of truth to that. I'm frequently much more moved by my imagination than the world; but I'm no longer completely separate from it. And now I have real people (including animals) to love instead of just the ones on paper. (Family, you know, doesn't light that spark no matter how great they are.)

But I still love that reminder that I can be hurt.

PS--The song "Driftwood--A Fairy Tale" by Cursive falls in the above category. I have antidote songs, too, like "Down on the Upside" by Ocean Colour Scene. Or something by Supergrass. Catchy British pop is my happy place.

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Hmmm ... the coldness thing has always been something people associated with me or stuck up and intimidating and that never bothered me because I never really paid enough attention to it. In reality, it was me being shy me, something that I've grown out of alot as I've gotten older, but when I don't know someone there is a reticence that people misread as aloofness and detachment. At the same time, to be fair, I'm not always interested in people or things that other people are interested in and I've never been good at pretending otherwise (read faking enthusiasm). I've learned to better make the chit chat but I'm not the best in new social situations because I usually don't care enough about people I don't know to make the effort, except sometimes I really click with someone right off the bat.

What does bother me is that as I've gotten older and because I do have a lot of self-confidence and I don't make the extra effort to pretend to be someone that I am not I get called mean alot. The truth is that I don't really lie often or well. Even me on LJ, pretty much what you see is what you get, although, admittedly, you guys get to see me be geeky and tnthusiastic a lot more than the rest of the world because we have this common bond of LJ and fandom.

However, I can't bring myself to change and so I'm still called mean, although I've threatened people that if they want to continue calling me mean then I will show them what it means for me to be mean. What I am is straight forward and honest. I do make an effort not to hurt people's feelings, to couch any statements so that they're not just argh, you suck, but I won't tell you something that isn't true. If that dress is ugly on you then I'll tell you it's ugly and you need to change before we leave the house. If you just did something really stupid, I'll let you know that, too.

And you shouldn't have to compromise yourself in order to have friends. There are people who will love you for you, there may not be a whole boat load of them, but do you really need the kind of false, tenseness that comes with trying to change youself for a whole lot of people who may or may not have the realtionship with you that you think you do. (if that made any sense at all.)

Don't just stare like you never cared

Re: I'm a babe in a glass case