my_daroga | Obsession!

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Obsession!

I am obsessed with Orson Welles.

This is not news to any of you, I suspect, since I talk of little else lately except for the odd foray into Peter Pan outfits. Nor do I think it will soon pass, and you will be inundated with more reviews as I attempt to watch his entire body of work. But I don't bring him up to talk about him in particular, today, but about obsession.

See, it's been ages--it feels like years--since anything's hit me this hard. When I was a teenager, and through college, certain things would grab hold of me and not let go. Sherlock Holmes, The Phantom of the Opera, T.E. Lawrence, The X-Files, all of them had their day(s) and all of them were certain to elevate my heart rate on a regular basis. Under these conditions I was most likely insufferable, but I also wrote a lot. Obsession, for me, is akin to that gut-level yearning that also spurred my writing in previous years, the stories I just had to get out and would work on incessantly until they were done, thinking of little else. They were never that long, and compared to some of you my output, even at its highest, was much less. These stories were not necessarily related to my current obsession (unless it was Phantom), but the feeling was similar.

That's part of the reason that my constant rumination on Orson makes me happy--I'd missed that feeling. I've missed being absorbed by something, probably because it's one of the few situations in which I feel at all passionate. I think I'm fairly dynamic in real life. I'm not a stoic. But that's just personality, and here I'm talking about the sort of thing that dominates my thoughts and proves to me that I'm still reachable.

This is most likely a little bit unhealthy. After all, there are "better" things to be passionate about--real world situations, real people, relationships. And this sort of passion is inward-directed, reachable only by me and then constantly spilling forth whether my companion wants to hear it or not. In this instance, I am lucky in that Mr. Daroga seems to feel the same and

tkp at least finds him adorable and seems to be amused by the fact of my obsession in itself. (No, he's not my type at all, physically; but as I told her last night only half-joking, I feel this is good for me and represents, er, an expansion of my taste.) But in general, unless you are part of a cult or spend a tremendous amount of time online to the exclusion of your everyday activities, fanatical obsession is a solitary thing. Even when it's shared, the peculiar overflow of excitement is difficult to confer on another, and more often than not serves more as a feedback loop for one's own obsession.

But for whatever reason, and I believe I've mentioned this before, I was nostalgic for those days of all-consuming interest. I'd thought it lost in the face of "real life": marriage, pet parenting, full-time employment and the like. I just didn't have the time or energy to obsess. I was doing more important things. Now I feel that way again, and I want to prolong it and draw it out and revel in it. Why? Is it like the person who keeps starting and leaving relationships, so they can get that new love high over and over? The objects of my obsession always stay close, even when the fire dies down. I tried to jump-start my Phantom thing again, by coming back online and getting involved. I have succeeded primarily in addiction to a cracktastic role-play forum--perhaps that's another obsession, or perhaps it just sparked this one. Perhaps it was quitting anti-depressants that did it.

Whatever the reason, what I hope is that this marks a return to some of my other pursuits--namely, obsessive writing. Back then, my stories were not brilliant, but at least I was telling them. And the compulsion to tell them overcame any laziness or fear of failure or whatever else is stopping me now. I'm not sure I should be so delighted by my own insular fannishness, but I am.

What about you? Do you have an obsessive personality? Did you once and, like me, leave it with some part of your life as you moved on? Or are you astonished that I'm even remarking upon it because it's just part of life? What have you been obsessed with? And that strange feeling--do you like it? Or is it a barrier between you and "real" life?

And isn't Orson amazing?

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I remember seeing Orson on Talk shows when I was young and just being mesmerized by him. As a 6th grader I did a report on him and his "War of the Worlds" and he was my idol for a bit. I wanted to be him when I grew up. I have seen many of his films and he remains a favorite of mine. He had his faults,but hell..don't we all.

I will always love his camp performance in "Casino Royale"

I haven't seen Casino Royale yet. But yes, we all have faults, and we're all allowed. When you can be that talented and winning, perhaps moreso.

I half love that feeling, half hate it. It at least gives me an interest in life, a connection, something to feel positively about... but sometimes that all-consuming feeling is unpleasantly overwhelming.

I agree--I think if I experienced it to the degree I used to, real life and relationships would get more difficult. Right now, it's manageable and very sweet.

everything i've ever been overly interested in is still overly interesting, pretty much. i'm weird.

That's not untrue for me at all--I still get excited over all the stuff I mentioned. But there's a vast difference in degree--it's like being "in love" vs. "loving."

hmm. perhaps that is it. but somehow, i think mine is still freaking obsessed.

*shrug*

for one, i will be buying the dvd of iwtb. and watching it asap./

Interesting. I don't think I could function, if I felt everything that I've felt over the years for these different things.

I will not.

like i said, i am weird. but, i also keep finding people who are *just* getting into the things i've been into, so that likely helps keep it all going.

That's true--fannish "evangelism" is a big part of my regimen.

I don't think I could function, if I felt everything that I've felt over the years for these different things.

I certainly couldn't...

I already feel like exploding. I cannot imagine all of it wrapped up at once.

I cycle through my obsessions and find new ones all the time. I still love my older ones - gardening, folklore - but I don't blog about them as much as the newer, fandom-related ones.

I've been like this all my life, and having new things to get excited about is part of what makes life interesting for me. :)

Interesting. I expect I will be too--I was just surprised by the force of this after a "dry spell" as it were.

This describes me, too. It all started with Lord of the Rings, then quickly spiraled into musical theater in general before narrowing down to Phantom and now, the Elisabeth musical.

I still have affection for the previous obsessions, and I doubt I'll ever "get over" them...I think there's nothing wrong with it, as long as you don't go overboard (and by that I mean, stalking people from that musical you're obsessing over, or something).

Er, most of the folks I obsess over are fictional or dead, so they don't mind a little stalking. But yes, I think you're correct.

I loved reading your take on this! Thank you for sharing it with us. I completely understand being concerned that it's "not healthy" but in my case one could consider it more healthy then ways I've chosen to cope in the past.

To answer your questions, I've always been one to find things and love the crap out of them almost to the point of obsession. I guess you could call it an obsessive personality. True I do think about them all the time, and draw my loves, but it's never negatively effected my life. I haven't avoided real life things in favor of fake ones, it can be a reminder of what i don't have in life, or what I'll never be, but it keeps me going and that has to be enough.

My hugest of course has been Phantom. I have a tattoo and have been a fan for 15 f'in years. Not as long as some, but it's half my life. I mean, I have liked x-men longer, but it's not an obsession. Sure my Phantom love has been on the back burner for a while, but he'll never leave my heart ever. I just don't function like that. Then there are my boys. Marc and Vincent. Two extremely interesting, versatile, quirky and insanely talented actors. Vincent is at the forefront because he just has more characters I deeply love, namely, Bobby. I love how they have inspired my art and made me want to continue working hard to achieve things. I think this sort of elated feeling I get from them, is no different then religion. I just realize that my obsessions have no power over me. But yes, I just see Vincent and smile.

Now for Orson, god there's another one who blindsided me. Another key aspect of my obsessions is they lead me to other wonderful things. Vincent has shown me a bunch of neat movies, a new author and Orson. Thanks Vincent. Between the films, the books and the man himself, my life has already been enriched in such a small time. He's been an exciting rewarding addition to my love list.

I am not actually afraid that I'll fall into an "unhealthy" trap--it's merely that, left on my own, I could see myself becoming even more single-minded. Then again, left on my own, it wouldn't matter, would it?

I've always been one to find things and love the crap out of them almost to the point of obsession. I guess you could call it an obsessive personality.

This has, typically, been true for me, too. What surprised me was 1) sort of "losing it" for a few years and 2) it coming back again.

My hugest of course has been Phantom.

I think Phantom will always been my first love. It wasn't the "first," but it's attained a status in what I guess you could call my personal mythos that I suspect will make it a permanent part of my life. It's been 15 years for me, too, half my life as well, and my relationship to the story has changed. I'm at a point now where the characters speak to me on different levels, but I'm capable of enjoying all the versions for some facet. I used to be much more phangirly, my love "exclusive" and naturally I was the only right interpreter. But now, I'm just as much in love with the variety of takes on the story and the very fact of its mutability. And every Phantom has something to show me.

I think I also, at times, hold up "idols" for myself when I want someone to look up to and say, "I will achieve."

D'you like my Rochester icon?

D'you like my Rochester icon?

I very very do.

ZOMG icon ftw.

A Borgia fan?

I obsess. I find it heady, exciting, delightful, and a tremendous education. It's always with historical people or fictional characters, and in trying to see the world through the filter of their experiences I learn oh so much.

For instance, obsessing over Lawrence means learning about the progress of WWI, the Georgian poets, rape trauma, Sinn Fein, Crusaders, medieval French literature, Arabic, Middle Eastern history, Mesopotamian archaeology, post-traumatic stress disorder, and hey, I've even been to the airfield in Karachi where he was stationed in miserable exile. He even got me through a nervous breakdown because I knew he'd gotten through it: I wasn't alone in it.

It keeps me young, it keeps my brain agile, and I hope I'll never stop falling in love with people.

this.

is awesome.

Lovely. You neatly summed up part of what I was trying to say. Thank you.

Cion, you are always so good at putting things into words so succinctly!

For instance, obsessing over Lawrence means learning about the progress of WWI, the Georgian poets, rape trauma, Sinn Fein, Crusaders, medieval French literature, Arabic, Middle Eastern history, Mesopotamian archaeology, post-traumatic stress disorder, and hey, I've even been to the airfield in Karachi where he was stationed in miserable exile.

You have put this very well. Obsessions are a sort of lens through which we view the world; they enable us to see so much more than simply the obsession, and in such a different way. Through my current quasi-historical obsession I've learned about things like the Jewish community in Britain, boarding schools, views of homosexuality in the 50s and 60s, musicals, bullfighting, the music industry, bipolar disorder, the effects of amphetamines and barbiturates, parts of London I'd never visited before, and I'm sure a lot more besides.

An interesting challenge would be to invite people to post the side benefits of their obsessions and ask others to guess the main subject... :)

An interesting challenge would be to invite people to post the side benefits of their obsessions and ask others to guess the main subject... :)

That's a great idea; both cute and potentially really revealing at the same time.

I've certainly had my share of obsessions, and they've almost always gotten me through the most difficult stages of my life. For that, I'm rather glad.

Currently on my "obsession list"? Water deities in various cultures, civilizations swallowed by the sea (Ys, Atlantis, Mu), Mayan and Aztec archaeology, Welsh mythology, mental health and approaches to it throughout history, and some others. But the biggest and longest obsession of all? Sylvia Plath. I adore Sylvia Plath. I've read it all, even the obscure.

That's an interesting point--obsession as a guide through difficulty. Perhaps a crutch, taken too far--but that's the unhealthy side. There's also the benefit of distraction, focus, and a conduit to life and livin.

I absolutely have an obsessive personality, especially when it comes to books and fiction. I had no concept of "fandoms" until I became really involved with LiveJournal and reawakened my Holmes obsession, but even before that, I always had this voracious desire to read everything, see it all. Even in my job, which involves knowing A LOT about Ohio and especially authors from Ohio, sometimes I find myself having to just walk away. I will be at home talking to family members and will just start spouting off random facts at them. "Did you know that the first woman ever to run for president was from Ohio? Her name was Victoria Woodhull and she was born in...etc." Dude, they don't care.

Interesting. It just struck me that so much of LJ is fandom-related, that most of us are probably capable of obsession of one sort or another. It is, after all, one of the few places (online in general) where people can share their particular quirks in relative peace.

And this sort of passion is inward-directed, reachable only by me and then constantly spilling forth whether my companion wants to hear it or not... But in general, unless you are part of a cult or spend a tremendous amount of time online to the exclusion of your everyday activities, fanatical obsession is a solitary thing. Even when it's shared, the peculiar overflow of excitement is difficult to confer on another, and more often than not serves more as a feedback loop for one's own obsession.

Thank for for this post. The passage I've quoted resonated with me in particular. Although I've found people online with whom I can discuss my current passion, I still do feel that peculiar obsessive loneliness from time to time. It's a joy that you want to be able to share, almost like an evangelical enthusiasm, and it can fall so flat when you realize that 99% of people really just don't care. Obsession is such a big part of my life, and I am so good at concealing most of it, that I feel like an iceberg sometimes... most of me is underwater.

That's a good analogy. And it's true--like any other evangelical impulse, obsessions are difficult to transfer to another. I know I shut down when accosted with someone's religious beliefs, and I have certainly rejected others' passions out of hand merely for the way they're presented to me.

It is nice, however, when someone can follow along. My current thing started alone, but after I dragged Mr. Daroga to a film on the spur of the moment and left a biography lying about that he got interested in, we were able to tune into it at the same time. But for the most part, the very passion you have for the subject is alienating.

I am very obsessive. Which is one of the reasons I have never smoked or used recreational drugs. That would be a bad combo. (I also hate feeling out of control.)

I have been obsessed with many things over the years, not just certain TV shows. Gardening, for example. I am gardening obsessed (but once the favor leaves me, I just ignore my garden. Until the following spring.)

One thing your comment brings to mind is the way that most people are "fannish" about something in their lives, but not all of them are able to substitute another's passion for theirs in order to understand it. What I'm saying is that many sports fans, for instance, don't get comic books, and therefore don't consider comic fans rational in their passion. It is probably a very similar impulse, if not exactly the same. I know my father doesn't "get" fannish obsession because he hasn't felt it and it's all for fiction. As much as he enjoys fiction, such energy expended on something untrue is wasted. Give him a sailboat, however, and he's as focused and obsessed as anyone.

There is a really interesting thread over on www.phantomoftheopera.com called "The Carl Jung Thread," about how the POTO movie served as such an artistic inspiration to a lot of people. I know you don't like the movie, and the movie isn't really what I'm focusing on anyway. What I have found endlessly interesting about that discussion is how it talks about Carl Jung's idea of the animus.

I have often wondered why I tend to fixate on particular men (be they real or imaginary; "stars" or IRL people) at different times. The animus idea looks at these "obsessions" as expressions of our inner creativity, looking for some kind of "incarnation." Sometimes that incarnation is in a fictional character (Erik); in an actor (Welles, Gerard Butler for some); a musician or rock star, or sometimes just a shadowy dream figure who nonetheless "feels" very much like someone we would know, who really "speaks" to us.

Oftentimes that deep feeling of interest and "obsession" (if you will) correlates with a burst of creativity. It's as if our creativity sometimes *needs* that masculine figure to give it life. (Obviously there are "anima" figures too, feminine figures who serve the same role.)

So it's not a big deal when our "animus figures" wax and wane; one fades, to be replaced by another. IMO it's part of the creative process. And you *do* sound like you're getting a lot more work done these days - so my feeling is, enjoy Orson for all he's worth! :D

I recall speaking to you about this before, and those are really interesting points. I tend to think that such categories and animus and anima are somewhat irrelevant to my experience, in the sense that it's more of an effort to understand something from without than something I believe is actually "true." But that's how I feel about a lot of psychology.

That said, I do relate to the sense of having a focal point for my creative energy, even if what I'm producing is unrelated. The value, for me, of a creative figure himself as that focus is even more, whether it's Orson or Erik--they're both geniuses who lived their own ways and created works in various mediums. I'm not sitting here saying "What Would Orson Do?" (though it'd be funny to imagine that, and actually considering his life not very helpful), but it may be significant that I'm inspired by multi-faceted artistic personalities. Who I also happen to find attractive (possibly because they inspire me, rather than the other way around).

Sadly, I have only seen Citizen Kane... well, I think that is the only Welles film I have seen.

My obsessions have died off a bit. Which makes me sad. I feel like the magic of Sherlock Holmes and Phantom has been somewhat lost. I mean, they're just as "me" as ever. They're just as fantastic as ever. I liken it to listening to your favorite song over and over until it just doesn't mean what it did.

I still love the stuff. Just doesn't produce the same spell... but, I still get into fixations as I am me. Currently, I am fixated with poetry and song writing. Sounds silly, but it's true! I'm going crazy with the metaphors. xD

Anyway, congrats on getting that wonderful, euphoric, fannish feeling back full-throttle. *goes to library website to reserve Orson Welles stuffs*

I understand what you mean. I just missed fixating, because it does feel like me and I thought it was part of "growing up" and I'm glad to see it's not. Either that, or I haven't grown up. It doesn't really matter, either way.

I hope the songwriting is going well!

You know, I used to be really obsessive, like, with The X-Files and Harry Potter. It's kind of a cool feeling, being really into something. I haven't had that for years. It's okay, though. I still like things, just in a more balanced way. And I'm no longer known as "That X-Files girl" &tc. I'm not sure that I even have the capacity to be obsessed with anything anymore, and I think that might have something to do with the way I approach romantic relationships. When you're trying hard to be detached in one area, it's hard to be really attached in another, maybe? idk. Anyway. Yay, Orson! I say enjoy your fanny feeling.

I was like, what does this have to do with my ass? Now I get it.

Yeah, I see what you're saying, and kind of thought the same thing was true for me. I don't know, but I hope I was wrong, personally.

I have thoughts on obsession, many of which you know, but anyway, I hope to get to them at some future date. But I want to clarify the most important points, the ones that relate to me, obviously. I know I wasn't the point of this post (why wasn't I, by the way?), so of course I don't expect you to spend 9 lines outlining my own personal thoughts on Orson Welles, but I want to make sure you know them, in case you don't:

He's not only adorable; he's really hot. I also do think he's a genius. I think his personal life is fascinating. I want to investigate all his creative projects. And I want to see every movie he's ever been in, even the crappy ones (though this does not mean that you and Mr. Daroga need wait for me! to see all the ones you rent. It does mean I will periodically request copies, or to return things later than you would have). I am not obsessed like you are, but I understand why you are. And the most amusing thing about your obsession isn't the fact of it but your reaction to it.

Like I said, just wanted to clarify.

Thank you for outlining your thoughts on Orson. The next time I write a post about your understanding of my obsession with Orson Welles, I will be more accurate.

I only really meant the first sentence.

I'm glad you're on board with WellesWatch 2008, it makes me happy! to share it!

Like I just said in the kitchen, it's not that obsession is/was unusual--but after a long period without any, and with thinking that must have been a juvenile phase and that I was all bloodless and boring now, it is happy-making to feel this way again. Just to clarify.

Stop hack the program!!!

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Obsession!

:)

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