I feel like I'm in a swirl of feelings and circumstances that don't have a lot of room for one another. On the one hand, I am swamped in real life generally, mostly because I am finally getting opportunities to do things and saying "no" to those feels like a betrayal of the nearly forty years I spent, you know, NOT getting to do the things. (Or really, rather, building towards those things or not getting to do them enough, etc.)

So I'm working and I have friends I don't see as much as I ought and I have theater and podcast recordings and skating lessons and all that. At the same time, having attended Left Coast Sherlock Symposium and then this past weekend KiScon, I want to get caught up in fandom again and just don't know how. I don't know where it is and when I do find pockets of it they seem unsuitable or unnavigable. I want to write but I feel I have forgotten how to produce, or maybe I've forgotten how to create time in my life where production of that sort is possible.

I've also got an ex-coworker texting me her feelings about Spike since she's watching Buffy for the first time, so hello again Spike feelings.

So yeah. I still have all these thoughts and feelings flowing around and through me, and I don't know what to do with them because not only are they diffuse they are undirected and in addition, the logistics of my daily life are, you know. Compromised, time-wise.

I don't know why I'm posting all of this here, except to try to kickstart myself into figuring this out. If I want to write this fic about Kirk, I should do it. If I want to be involved in fandom, I should find it and stop whining about it not being what I want. It's just hard to know where to start when it feels like "starting over" in an arena that used to feel so organic and natural.

So, I turned 40. It was pretty great. I'm happy with where my life is right now: a job I love, a lovely environ I continue to enjoy exploring, starting up this year's Wars Outdoors: The Empire Strikes Back in the Park.

I'm still flailing a LOT when it comes to fandom and how to do it. I am still active in DWRP. I've joined the local Sherlockian scion society (my fandom name is "Play-acting Busybody") and I've been accepted to speak at Left-Coast Sherlockian Symposium.

But I don't know how to do this anymore. I keep hearing everyone's going to twitter, okay, fine. But I can't find any guide to doing so as someone coming from a really different medium. Do I use my own name? (Doing so is weird because PORN but not doing so erases my primary fannish contribution at this stage, which is my acting/producing and very public.) Where do I find "my" people? How do I avoid all the shit I don't want to see? (I don't mean blacklisted stuff--I mean just endless ads and retweets I cannot care less about.) I feel like in other communities, there are/were "guides for n00bs" or something. I can't find anything about how to access this space in a way that makes sense. And I've had an account for years--so obviously it hasn't been intuitive for me at all.

Anyway, yeah, I sound like a curmudgeon, and see above re: 40, but believe me I'm as tired of bemoaning the state of fandom as anyone is of hearing it.

Well, it's only been, what? Five years?

I miss fandom. I miss discussing things I love (and don't) in a somewhat civilized way. I miss creating stuff to share. I miss all of it, and I keep trying to get onto tumblr and keep realizing it's not giving me the interaction I want.

This won't, either, but if anyone's out there listening and knows where anything's happening, would you let me know you're still alive?

So. Hi.

It's been awhile, right? I'm not even sure where to begin, except to say--I miss you. Generally and specifically. I miss fandom, and my flist. Part of it is, I got busy, I got depressed, I got busy getting un-depressed, a lot has changed. And part of it is just that I don't know how to get back in. Somewhere along the line, I've convinced myself I've nothing to say or contribute, and I'm not sure why that is. Thinking feels difficult, fandom feels dispersed, and I no longer know where I fit in it. And thinking about working that out is daunting, because there is so much of it. There's a lot of canon, a lot of fanworks, a lot of meta, and a lot of platforms on which to discuss it. Even now, I don't know where to post. Do I go to tumblr? Do I come here? Do I try both, and if I do, how do I decide what goes where and how do I even manage that without getting overwhelmed again?

Anyway, this current whim has been caused by my attendance at Sherlock Seattle 2013, which was great fun. I've been a Sherlockian since, oh, I was 9 and first saw Jeremy Brett on my tv. So it was amazing, getting to go to a con just a few minutes from my house, where "new" fandom and old mingled. You had all the cosplay, the fic, the tumblr memes, etc, but you also had guests of honor I remembered from zines and Prodigy boards and I reconnected with a lot of stuff and made new connections.

And I want more. I just don't know how to do it. The suggestions I've gotten, while good, aren't quite me. I mean, yes, I'm making fannish crafts, that people seem to want. That's nice! And I enjoy dressing up (especially when professorfangirl calls me out so amazingly nicely!). But what I miss most is discussion and writing fic and being part of that ongoing production of meaning.

So why do I think I can't think anymore?

I don't know, but I might be poking around here, trying to figure it out. Hi!

I an effort to find a smaller "challenge" to get me writing, I was considering Yuletide. But now that Phantom's off the list again, I'm not sure what I have to offer! My repertoire is so limited, I wanted to have something I was solid in on my list.

In other news, I know I've been very quiet. Sort of overwhelmed by everything, and I keep meaning to catch up and to update but it's been easier to go watch movies. I hope everyone's okay and enjoying the autumn.

A confluence of interests, Mr. Daroga's and mine, has me reading about the Walker Brothers (a pop trio that rivaled the Beatles for fame in the UK in and around 1966) and listening to a Four Tops live show Mr. D found somewhere. And it's gotten me thinking about a few things that you just don't see anymore.

1. The Walker Brothers experienced that kind of fame that had hysterical teen girls tearing their clothes off (the brothers', I mean, not their own, though probably that too) and required them to wear crash helmets to and from the stage door. No one ever heard one of their shows over the screaming, which is probably just as well as they could never replicate their sound live. It was in the air, I guess, this license to get as close as possible to your idols, and it made me think about the codification of online fandom and the fact that I can't imagine anyone getting away with engaging in such behavior. I don't mean just because celebrities are more savvy, but I think that fandoms police themselves now and people who do indulge in invasive behavior, and are found out, are punished socially. Everyone wants to maintain the access they have, so things are both more strict and less dangerous.

ETA: It's been pointed out to me that this stuff still goes on in (physical) music fandom especially, and I just wasn't aware. Oh well!

2. In the live Four Tops gig, they move through Motown and rock to standards, Tom Jones, and Rogers and Hammerstein. What fascinates me about this is that popular music seems a lot more niche-oriented and narrowly focused today. Of course, it's awesome we have so much variety, and that the internet and cheap recording processes allow a great number of things to be heard. However, I can't imagine many rock groups indulging in a bit of Lloyd Webber or Sondhiem or Sinatra without either camping it up or arousing disappointment and disdain. Or being accused of currying middle of the road favor and being seen as sell-outs or posers. Which is too bad. I think that inflexibility is a loss to culture, though I'm certain there are trade-offs. I was watching a film the other day that had a bus-load of people all singing together, and I can't imagine a song today that everyone on a bus would know. That doesn't make them good songs. And I don't lament the fact we've got so many options. But I do think it's too bad our shared culture is so small. [I should disclaim I am American, and talking from middle-class American experience.]

[Perhaps inappropriate, during the three weeks thing, but if I'm mirroring...]

By which candesgirl means "drabbles, ficlets, wordy odes to an age old past time, it's all welcome with open arms, er, legs...one arm?" Here's her master(bation) list so far, and for my own records, here are two I've written. One today, special for the party, and one long ago. Both in the voyeurism!wank subcategory.

Title: Infidel
Fandom: Phantom of the Opera (Leroux)
Rating: R
Summary: Who watches the watchers? The Persian learns something about his quarry, and himself.

Title: The Observer Effect
Pairing: Shatner/Nimoy
Rating: R
Words: ~1800
Summary: "I had always assumed that you were aware of every pair of eyes on you, that every movement was calculated."

Last year, inspired by Orson Welles (whom I still adore, no worries!) I wrote:
See, it's been ages--it feels like years--since anything's hit me this hard. When I was a teenager, and through college, certain things would grab hold of me and not let go...

What's funny about this now is that I think this latest Star Trek/William Shatner thing is ten times worse. I don't understand how I'm still functioning; I haven't felt this distracted, hopped up, and ridiculous since those good old days when it didn't really matter if I lost myself in it. And yet I look ahead and know it's gonna end and I am already sad, because as inconvenient as this is it feels good. I'm writing again. It's crazy that this should be the thing, especially since dammit I'm running masked_ball and haven't written anything for it and frankly have no interest in anything else. And it's, you know, so old hat.

Side note: It seems that my "new type" is pretty-faced, arrogant assholes who are often labeled hams and later in life get really fat and never stop trying. Whether this is more or less reasonable than my previous preference for the at-worst psychotic/at-best emotionally unavailable ectomorph is debatable.

So. Links and stuff for those so inclined:

* more_shatner. What it says on the tin. There's nothing here yet, but I discovered he didn't even have a community! Which is sad!
* Premiere: Shatner/Nimoy fic (by me) about them watching the new movie. Rated G.
* Home by Lanaea. Awesome WIP that is firmly based in the reboot universe but has glimpses of that Jim Kirk reaching towards what he'll become. Also adorable K/S.
* Star Trek Memories was really entertaining, though not, you know, the best writing ever. Maybe I'll do a post about this, but Shatner really comes across as someone who doesn't know he's being self-centered and reacts okay to being told about it, which makes him endearing if you like him and insuffrable if you don't. I loved the story about him getting angry at some guy who rammed his daughters at a go-kart track, deciding he was Captain Kirk, and suddenly realizing that the flying leg kick he was so proud of disobeyed the laws of physics. Luckily, before he tried it. Also the one about stealing Nimoy's bicycle. They're sort of the most adorable thing ever, at this point, all old and mellow and forgetting they fought and stuff.

Some choice ontd_startrek posts:
* Vulcan pick-up lines
* On-set gifs from the TOS days, including this one:
( cut for cuteness )
I die a little time every time I look at it.

If you're not lucky, there will be picspam.

Guys, I have a problem. It's not even an interesting/original problem. It might even be sort of shameful in its very pedestrianness. But I find myself unable to think about anything but Captain Kirk right now. The Shatner One. Which means I should probably go to sleep or something. Or stop watching two episodes a day? Never that!

So here's the thing. TOS fic has been around for a long time, as we all know. I have no idea how/where to dive into it, and I particularly want fic that's germane to the series. Not because I hate the movie but because I want, you know, the fic where Kirk takes the Venus drugs or has more adventures with evil!-or-robot!Kirk or whatever. You know. Slash is good too. Whatever.

So any of you who know what I'm saying, where do I start? I assume there are good rec lists and stuff. This isn't even nearly my first bout with Kirk-love, I've just been too intimidated before. And I'm far too intimidated to write my own fic.

Disclaimer: Yes, yes, Kirk-love is shameful and all that and I realize Spock is awesomesauce. But as I've explained before, Spock is the guy I'm used to loving. Kirk is the one that's so wholly unexpected I can't really get over it. And so need fic.

Yesterday, I attended a workshop given by Nancy Pearl of librarian action figure fame. The workshop was meant to give us a new way to address readers' advisory, which is the fancy MLS way of saying how to recommend (she says "suggest") books to patrons and friends.

Pearl's system disregards categories like "fiction" and "nonfiction" for pleasure-reading purposes and instead attempts to put books--and readers--into four basic categories: Story, Character, Setting, and Language. That is to say, all books have all four, but each book will most likely have a larger "doorway" for one type of reader. And readers will read primarily for one of these things. So the largest group, Story, includes stuff like Stephen King and Danielle Steel and Dan Brown is pretty much all Story, and most readers find "entry" into a book through this "doorway." That is to say, the most popular books are page-turners, and that's what bookstores and libraries have the most of. (She assures us this isn't intended as a slight, people just read for different pleasures.)

Character readers are pretty self-explanatory, and care less about being hurried along a plot and more about who they get to know and how well. Setting readers include anyone who mentions "I felt like I was there" as what drew them in, and that can be real places, historical time periods, or imaginary places like Narnia or Pern, I suppose. Language readers are the ones who say, "I like well-written books," though clearly someone can feel quite differently about Hemingway and Nabokov.

Anyway, as systems go, I think it has its merits--it means that when someone asks you for a recommendation, you're not looking at the plot itself or even the last book they loved, but at what it was that got them into and kept them reading that book. Any two given readers of the same book could have read it from different, or multiple, points of view. However, I kept thinking about the perversities of these categories.

For instance, when I wrote out some of my favorites, I realized that while I genuinely believe I read primarily for Character (with Language as a second essential bit, in the sense that I don't read for it but won't read if it's not to a certain level) but I don't at all read primarily Character-driven books. I am the only person I know who reads Philip K. Dick or Asimov and says, "ooh, I liked X and how they thought!" No one likes PKD for his writing--I'm told frequently. I love Phantom of the Opera for the characters--as I think most people reading this who like Phantom do. But I don't think the focus of Leroux is character--not the way he writes them, anyway. I'm a huge Sherlock Holmes fan, but don't care about mysteries and in fact would never pick one up unless there was a strong character element to draw me in (which is why I've confined myself to Sayers and the like).

I could be deluded, but that's my sense of myself measured against Pearl's rubric. And I think a lot of people read this way. And I got to thinking... a lot of fannish people read this way. One of her examples for Story-driven narrative was JK Rowling. Which, yeah, makes sense, right? (We're talking primarily, not that the other elements are totally missing.) And most people read this way. But fannish people, I think, are more likely to read for Character. Which is why fanfiction and other fanworks become so attractive and necessary. Just as societies have been built up around Sherlock Holmes for a hundred years; these aren't all inveterate mystery readers, though some are. These are people who feel an intense relationship with this character, else millions of words wouldn't have been written about him and his life would not have been endlessly mapped and pored over and reconciled to the canon and history.

So here's my hypothesis: that fandom could be partially "explained" by Character-driven readers responding and reacting to Story-(or other-) driven texts.

Thoughts? (Also, I still have a Dreamwidth invite, if anyone wants...)

tkp has done a great public service by writing up a brilliant little essay on a few archetypes she and I have been discussing, revolving (among other things) around Batman, Phantom of the Opera, Spike and Angel from Buffy, and Rhett Butler. It touches on a lot of my favorite themes (see username) and as much as she drops my name in there, I owe her that. No, I don't, but she really is awesomecakes with a side of awesomesauce and I'm lucky to have her thinkiness online and off. Check it out and join in!

I am obsessed with Orson Welles.

This is not news to any of you, I suspect, since I talk of little else lately except for the odd foray into Peter Pan outfits. Nor do I think it will soon pass, and you will be inundated with more reviews as I attempt to watch his entire body of work. But I don't bring him up to talk about him in particular, today, but about obsession.

See, it's been ages--it feels like years--since anything's hit me this hard. When I was a teenager, and through college, certain things would grab hold of me and not let go. Sherlock Holmes, The Phantom of the Opera, T.E. Lawrence, The X-Files, all of them had their day(s) and all of them were certain to elevate my heart rate on a regular basis. Under these conditions I was most likely insufferable, but I also wrote a lot. Obsession, for me, is akin to that gut-level yearning that also spurred my writing in previous years, the stories I just had to get out and would work on incessantly until they were done, thinking of little else. They were never that long, and compared to some of you my output, even at its highest, was much less. These stories were not necessarily related to my current obsession (unless it was Phantom), but the feeling was similar.

That's part of the reason that my constant rumination on Orson makes me happy--I'd missed that feeling. I've missed being absorbed by something, probably because it's one of the few situations in which I feel at all passionate. I think I'm fairly dynamic in real life. I'm not a stoic. But that's just personality, and here I'm talking about the sort of thing that dominates my thoughts and proves to me that I'm still reachable.

This is most likely a little bit unhealthy. After all, there are "better" things to be passionate about--real world situations, real people, relationships. And this sort of passion is inward-directed, reachable only by me and then constantly spilling forth whether my companion wants to hear it or not. In this instance, I am lucky in that Mr. Daroga seems to feel the same and tkp at least finds him adorable and seems to be amused by the fact of my obsession in itself. (No, he's not my type at all, physically; but as I told her last night only half-joking, I feel this is good for me and represents, er, an expansion of my taste.) But in general, unless you are part of a cult or spend a tremendous amount of time online to the exclusion of your everyday activities, fanatical obsession is a solitary thing. Even when it's shared, the peculiar overflow of excitement is difficult to confer on another, and more often than not serves more as a feedback loop for one's own obsession.

But for whatever reason, and I believe I've mentioned this before, I was nostalgic for those days of all-consuming interest. I'd thought it lost in the face of "real life": marriage, pet parenting, full-time employment and the like. I just didn't have the time or energy to obsess. I was doing more important things. Now I feel that way again, and I want to prolong it and draw it out and revel in it. Why? Is it like the person who keeps starting and leaving relationships, so they can get that new love high over and over? The objects of my obsession always stay close, even when the fire dies down. I tried to jump-start my Phantom thing again, by coming back online and getting involved. I have succeeded primarily in addiction to a cracktastic role-play forum--perhaps that's another obsession, or perhaps it just sparked this one. Perhaps it was quitting anti-depressants that did it.

Whatever the reason, what I hope is that this marks a return to some of my other pursuits--namely, obsessive writing. Back then, my stories were not brilliant, but at least I was telling them. And the compulsion to tell them overcame any laziness or fear of failure or whatever else is stopping me now. I'm not sure I should be so delighted by my own insular fannishness, but I am.

What about you? Do you have an obsessive personality? Did you once and, like me, leave it with some part of your life as you moved on? Or are you astonished that I'm even remarking upon it because it's just part of life? What have you been obsessed with? And that strange feeling--do you like it? Or is it a barrier between you and "real" life?

And isn't Orson amazing?

Some items of potential interest:

*How Did Stan Lee Pour Himself Into Those Jeans on the Hooded Utilitarian's blog. It's about the "feminist" status of Mary Jane, but also about what it means to have one's heroes owned by corporations: "To fall in love with a character in a mainstream title is to be, inevitably, betrayed."

*Uncle Bobby's Wedding on myliblog. A librarian's eminently sensible response to a patron who wished to remove said children's book from the shelves. "Library collections don't imply endorsement; they imply access to the many different ideas of our culture, which is precisely our purpose in public life."

*And a little fun: the Seattle Times reports that Fans of "Twilight" vampire series pump new blood into Forks. Scary. "...you would not believe how many people come in here expecting to see a vampire. Or a werewolf. I am not kidding."

*Scott Walker performing "Rosary". I didn't know this existed. My husband and I are big Scott Walker fans, and Mr. Daroga just found this vid and this explanation:

"true story: for this performance, he was introduced, the audience clapped, they remove everyone from the set, they brought him in, recorded this song, then after he left the studio, they brought the audience back in and they applauded."

Walker is now apparently producing but not appearing in live shows of his music. He's an amazing artist, and somewhere in there is an amazing story that needs to be written about the course his life/music has taken.

There's still time to get your question in!

I should have realized that I have no idea what the popular opinions are about these things.

for androidlovesong:
Doctor Who
*I adore Martha but don't hate Rose and don't understand why we all can't just get along.
*I hate Torchwood because I can't stand Barrowman's acting/delivery and because it's "adult" in the most juvenile way possible and also because no one's actions in S1 (which is all I've seen so far) are motivated by anything. This is not the good crack, kids. (Though Sarah Jane Adventures totally is!)
*I really dislike the Eighth Doctor, though I love Paul McGann in other things.
*I don't know if this is unpopular, but Lis Sladen looks better now than she did before.
*I don't watch enough Old Who anymore and am mostly working off vague memories of my childhood watching experiences. This makes me unpopular to me.


for deathmask_revel
Phantom of the Opera
*Julian Sands is hot.
*Erik/Christine should explore the deep problems of the characters and their relationship.
*ALW is a hack.
*There should be more crack!fic.
*Movie!fic is totally okay if the author deals with the characters rationally and not like the movie did (in my opinion).
*Gaston Leroux was not a genius. He wrote a book that tapped into something, which makes it interesting and important. It is not a "work of art." It's pretty awesome, though. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.

for metalmyersjason:
Phantom of the Opera: Erik, Raoul, Daroga, Christine
This is a difficult category because there are so many (at least 2) camps of fandom. Most of my opinons would offend one or the other but not both.

*Erik: Would make a terrible husband and is wrong when he says that "if you loved me, I'd be as gentle as a lamb." It worked to let them go, but in the long run he's still who he is--and Christine would have learned that, had she stayed.
*Raoul: Not a fop, because the Raoul I know is brave, serious, not an inordinately snappy dresser and, most importantly, he is young. I think everything that might make Raoul unpopular could be fixed by a little maturity, which is why I don't understand Raoul bashing. We were all 20/1 once, weren't we? How rational were you?
*The Daroga: Has an uneasy relationship with his foreignness. He has rejected some aspects of his former life, but keeps the peaked cap. My daroga shaves, both as a sign of his uncertainty about his heritage and to differentiate himself from the prevailing styles of the time. His fascination with Erik contains both contempt and an unacknowledged envy that Erik has reached beyond society to do as he pleases.
*Christine: Is blonde unless there's a good reason for her not to be. She was not served well by her upbringing in Daddy Daae's fantasy world, but the story of Phantom is as much a story of her growing up as it is about anything else.


Phantom of the Paradise: Swan, Phoenix, Winslow Leach, The Juicy Fruits, Beef
I'm not sure what the prevailing opinions here are.
*Phoenix is not such an innocent; or at least, her easy defeat by Swan implies weakness of character.
*Winslow's Phantom persona is everything he wished he could be as a gawky, put upon teenager.
*Harold is my favorite Juicy Fruit ("Super Like You").
*Beef was just doing his job.


Hellboy
I have never had any exposure to this, frankly because of the name, which I find very silly.


for stefanie_bean:
Phantom of the Opera: Philippe de Chagny
Leroux goes to great pains to make us feel Philippe is a typical (almost admirable?) man of the world and takes good care of Raoul, but in his actions and expressions he seems a little rough. I'm not sure he understands Raoul at all, or knows how to help him. Philippe is one of the densest (as in, least imaginative and most wrong-headed) characters in the book, and as written (or sketched, really) I care about him very little.

That's not really an unpopular opinion, since no one expresses an opinion about Philippe. You want one?

I like Philippe from the Charles Dance miniseries. I like what they do with him. AND HIS HAIR.


for agentdanak:
X-Files: Scully
Is it "unpopular" that she's my favorite of the two? Or maybe that I don't put "ist" after one of their names? She's the one I relate to, despite the fact that when I started watching I was sort of All About Mulder's pain and hotness. Oh, but I have no interest in her as a mother, or her desire for motherhood, which may be because I have none but I also think was unecessary to the show and what I wanted from Scully's development.

And I don't care whether she dyes her hair or not.

a meme:

1) Comment with one of my fandoms or a character or two from that fandom.
2) I'll answer with one or two of my unpopular opinions about that fandom or character.

OR! You can also comment with fandoms I'm not into, and I'll tell you why I'm not a fan.

If I can even remember which of my opinions are unpopular.

I thought you'd be interested in reading each other's requests, so here are the answers. Anyone else?

vervassal - Christine/no one ("Think she could do it?")
( 1 )

inlaterdays - Mulder/Krycek
( 2 )

dangerousdame - Sherlock Holmes/Irene Adler ("outside the verse")
( 3 )

vampire_cookies - Buffy/Faith ("I personally find them kind of hot, but in
the grand scale of "plausibility," does it make sense to you?")
( 4 )

metalmyersjason - Erik/Nadir
( 5 )

girlflesh - Erik/V
( 6 )

A meme from lafemmedarla:

Comment with any ship from a fandom you know I like or am familiar with. I will then go on about said ship for at least one hundred words. Perhaps more! Feel free to comment with ships I like,ships I hate, or ships where my opinion is neutral or unknown. I'll be honest and diplomatic about all of them, with a bit of added flail for the OTPs.

I ship Doctor/Martha.

Oh my god.

It was that last two-parter that did it; she's so capable, so awesome, so in love and so bound for disappointment (again and again). Her feelings don't make her useless. I wish I could make a thoughtful review, but I don't feel like it and I just really loved it. And Martha's situation just *got* me.

I ship them in the way I shipped Mulder and Scully--I yearn for it but I don't want them together in canon, because that would probably ruin it. I'm content with fannish satisfaction of these urges. But I'm sure I never thought I'd care even that much.