I believe I've mentioned before that I'm often plagued by sleep paralysis, a common condition wherein, essentially, the brain is "awake" while the body is not. For me, it usually happens if I take a nap during the day, though it's infrequent enough (usually) that I still take naps hoping today, it won't happen. It goes in waves--sometimes I can't take a nap without it happening, and then I'll go for months without an episode.

For me, what happens is I get the sense of being awake and aware of my surroundings, down to what room I'm in, the quality of light, my position, etc. But I cannot move. I can't open my eyes or speak or wake up. And that's where the hallucinations come in, also frequently associated with sleep paralysis. They're especially terrifying because of the element of being partially awake: they're dreams that you cannot easily separate from reality, because everything else feels so real. It's been suggested that these hallucinations might account for stories of alien abduction, ghosts, and other unexplained assaults/terrors, which I can well understand, having experienced one such "dream" many years ago. The terror of paralysis is accompanied by some malevolent force in these hallucinations, inescapable and horrifying.

But what's really curious to me, and the reason I'm mentioning it now, is that I typically don't have those. I have the paralysis, and the hallucinations, but do you know what I hallucinate?

The people who belong there, going about their everyday lives and not able to hear me. Seriously, my "terror" is that I am asleep, cannot wake up, and Mr. Daroga/whoever can't hear me. Yesterday, which was movie night, I dreamed there were people over talking and cooking and I kept trying to call out to get them to wake me up. What's funny to me about this is that my particular brand of terror isn't aliens or ghosts or strange men--it's me. It's me being out of control, being guilty about sleeping, being unable to command my body. Even when I'm having the normal sort of dream, the most common element is narcolepsy. I am not narcoleptic. But in my dreams, I am often unable to keep my eyes open or I fall asleep driving.

So why is it that this is how my nightmares manifest? I think it's interesting that even asleep, I blame myself--that is to say, I do not create an external demonic force but instead fear my own loss of control.

I just can't help but think that's significant, in an almost embarrassingly obvious way.

*Someone recommended this lovely fic to me and I'm passing it on, not even having finished. It's Star Trek XI, Cupcake/Chekov, and highlights the fact that what little we get of "Cupcake" in the film is that he stands up for a woman who's said no more than once already. Kirk's the hero of the film, and yeah, Cupcake's rough, but does that make him right? Very sweet, and I believe the author has gone on to write more about him. We always read about Starfleet's avowed geniuses. What about those redshirts, huh?

*This should explain itself:



*An interesting writing meme:
Is my id showing?

via snickfic: So, a couple of us got to wondering what our fics revealed about us. Hence this anonymeme. Are our ids showing?

I've just put all my stuff up on Archive of Our Own, so this got me wondering. I probably know what my primary concerns are already, but it's interesting to think about how many of them come through in my fanfiction, and which ones I'm not actually aware of. And I wonder if they're consistent through fandoms, or if my concerns are native to one or the other area. Or is there something that links my RPF and my Trek and my Phantom of the Opera? I'm not sure anyone's actually read fic in more than one of my fandoms, but if you've got any insight, let me have it!

*( My thoughts on New Who, through The Time of Angels (not v. positive) )

*lettered/tkp and I may be attending a Star Trek convention. "May be" as in "are."