Somehow, I've convinced myself I'm not a writer. I used to write all the time. I used to even post stuff I'd written! And I haven't in years, except for roleplay, which is writing, but dependent on others playing along. Which can be a great thing, motivationally, and a bad thing.

So today, in an effort to jumpstart my creative engines, I posted a bunch of old stuff to AO3 that I guess I didn't feel qualified as fic, or wasn't done/good enough/ready. I know that those pieces won't ever be, and I thought maybe if I put it out there, I'd inspire myself again. So the Phantom and Star Trek stuff that went up today is all old. In one case, almost ten years old. So the person who wrote that is no longer the person I am, but I still think I had some nifty stuff to say. And maybe someone will enjoy it, or be inspired to write their own response.

The Trek stuff I posted is all more or less flashback/metafic about Kirk, based on stuff that was developing through the roleplay I was part of. Things were coming out in play that might not necessarily reflect my view of canon, but were nonetheless takes I hadn't seen before on Jim Kirk. So those are there, too.

I want to write more. I just have no idea how to do it anymore, and I'm not even sure why that is. I've honestly convinced myself I have no ideas in my head, which is inconsistent with the fact I apparently want to write. So something's blocking me pretty hard.

So if you've ever been in this position? What do you do? Prompt communities? I am interested in way too many things at the moment to be able to narrow down my interest long enough to think of a premise. I think I need to set some artificial barriers. And keep reminding myself it doesn't have to be good/done/epic/amazing right off. Somehow, I got into that mentality as well, the one where I have to know what the end point is in order to act. I've been getting a LOT better at not living that way, and it's turned out all right for me so far. So it's time to apply it to writing, again. If I can narrow my attention long enough to know where to begin.

This is that meme where you post a sentence/paragraph from all your WIPs. I haven't been writing a lot lately, but I wish I was. Looking back through this stuff has been really interesting.

I have tons of unfinished fic. I don't know if this will spur me on to finish any, but I regret each one that I haven't, and hopefully, one day, I'll know how to tackle them.

( some TJ Hooker, Star Trek, Shatnoy, Phantom, Holmes, Sweeney Todd, and T.E. Lawrence--sometimes more than one )

Guys, I don't know if I can write first-person Erik without it coming out like Susan Kay. Despite not having read the novel in at least ten years. I think I've been permanently tainted.

I just don't know what to do.

Okay, maybe not a crisis.

I haven't been writing at all, though. And while I know that part of this is laziness/distraction/reluctance on some psychological level, some of it is that when I sit down, nothing happens. I was upset over not working on my book, and decided that it would be beneficial for me to start writing something every day. What better than one of those pesky WIPs, hmm? At least I'd regain some confidence.

Well, one of them I'm stuck on because I can't figure out how the mystery's solved, one of them I'm stuck on because I suddenly don't feel equipped to write Lawrence despite telling myself I'm writing movie!Lawrence and not RPF, one of them is long and intimidating to start hacking into, and the other two just... well, I have no idea where they're going. Paltry excuses, maybe, but I miss the days when I felt the passion for the story I was writing welling up within me so that I couldn't think of anything else. It was a sort of lust. It did not, perhaps, result in such good writing, but it was writing. And now I feel stagnant, never evolving.

Writer's block is nothing original, sure. But I feel like there must be something I'm missing, some key that will unlock at least a trickle. I do still role play (the online forum kind, for those of you not involved), and that may take up some of my writing energy (though I rarely do it when I could be writing instead), but then again, at least it's writing. Is it swallowing impulse/ambition, or keeping me at least a little in practice?

Maybe I should forget fic for now, and go back to trying to write the book, even if the going is slow.

I need to start posting the cool things I see/find/hear here, all those things I think "Oh, people should know about this" about, but never do. I post this now, as a reminder to myself to do so.

I have been a little sick lately, and reading a lot about the origins of the film industry which I find very interesting, and perhaps will write about if there is interest aside from myself. And despite feeling very inspired by the completion of my latest fic, I am stuck on something I started a few years ago which I think is very good so far but is, unfortunately, a mystery. It is a mystery that is mostly a character piece, but all that means is that I have the "solution" well in hand and no way to arrive at it. This is very frustrating, and a hurdle I am not sure how to get over, but I want it finished. Has anyone (writing Holmes fic, for example) encountered this? What did you do?

Ah, and to kick start my imagination, a meme:

Comment with a story I've written, and I will tell you one thing I knew, learned, or wondered about while writing the story that didn't make it onto the page.

Perhaps I should have an archive that is not ff.n?

Meme ganked from rj_anderson, because it amuses me:

The thing is, when people look for stories, they always make it sound like badfic. Now, often that's because it really is badfic, but sometimes it's good and they just suck at describing the story.

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to summarize badly any one (or more!) of my stories and I'll try to guess which it is. You could even pretend you don't remember the pairing or fandom to make it harder to guess.

Fanfiction here.

Tagged by the incomparable tkp, who is far too kind to me:

1. Kissing the Frog (Phantom of the Opera): I have to choose this first because it's what got me back into fandom. It was also my first brush with what limited fame I have, as years later when I joined LJ people knew who I was and remembered the story. That felt really good. And while it's a vignette, I still like the piece for the morbidity so often missing from the fandom.

2. Growing Up (Narnia): My only Narnia fic, I wrote it after watching the movie and wondering at the lovely rapport between Mr. Tumnus and Lucy. Tumnus seemed younger in the film than in the book, so I could imagine difficulties arising with Lucy's maturation. Also got a lovely response, despite the people who apparently wanted it to continue with faun/human sex.

3. Infidel (POTO): I like non-explicit where Erik/Persian slash is concerned, mostly for the realism of it (for me). I have a hard time imagining the circumstances under which the two would actually get together; but it is likewise undeniable that they have a great personal investment in each other. This piece shows the potential sexualization of that, I think, as well as the rift between the two.

4. Shades (POTO): A vignette exploring the personalities of the Opera and highlighting the "shadiness" of all of them. Too often the opera is portrayed as a cohesive unit, with the Phantom as the outsider; I think, rather, that they are all outsiders. There is a thread of the foreign running through all of the characters, of not quite fitting in. I like this because it ties them together.

5. Bedroom Eyes (Narnia/X-Files): I lied about the Narnia thing. This was a story I did for ithurtsmybrain, which I tackled seriously: pairing Susan Pevensie and Mulder romantically. It actually came out kind of good, I think, and a lot more rational that I thought it could.

This meme makes me realize I haven't really written that much, and much of what I've written are one-offs to get across a particular point. Points up my laziness, I think!

tkp? Remember when you asked me to do this? Well, I have.

Commentary on Shades
( i made this! )

According to myheritage.com (helpfully supplied by misfitina), I am none other than Emmy Rossum. Yes, it's true. Using the pic in my userpic right now, it first fed me a bunch of crap about being David Beckham. I was flattered and went to the washroom to have a look, but it turns out I'm not. I am, in fact, HER:



But considering Gerard Butler in that crap, I'd rather be Emmy here:



Mmm, Meg Giry.

Speaking of which, I've had some disturbing fanfic desires lately. Like I want to write about "Mysterious Cities of Gold". Anyone remember that? But something filthy, like about Mendoza pulling Esteban aside and telling him Zia's alright for a tumble, but he ought to wait until he gets back to Spain for a "real woman" before he talks about settling down or whatever. Or Mendoza pulling Esteban (or any of them) aside and doing something else. Gah. And I'm still mulling over my Elizabeth Bennet/Georgiana Darcy lust.

I also want a story about Tom Ripley (Highsmith) in Alien. Just because. I mean, what does the master manipulator/mimic do when faced with a big alien?

Why am I thinking these things at all?

I do know that someday the right Buffy-centered plotbunny will hop my way, and I will know that I am the right person to write it. Just hasn't happened.