As I wrote in lawgrrl_23's journal, "Selfless, Cold and Composed" is one of my favorite songs of all time. I think it hurts me because I feel like I'm the person he's singing to. I could be that girl.

( lyrics, for those who don't know it )

I've always suspected myself of being too aloof, too cold. I turned away potential partners because I was convinced I didn't feel as deeply as other people. I actually believed I was incapable of deeper emotion. I think I'm mostly over that now, since one of them was persistent enough to convince me I was wrong. But this song still evokes that fear in me; that the worst thing I can do is not care but it might come too easily for me.

But damn, I love that song. Many of my favorite songs have that element of masochism in them, that quality that makes me think of sitting in my room when I was 17 and hated my life. Why do I like that? When I was fourteen I'd read the "Counterpoint" section of Susan Kay's Phantom, the Christine/Erik part (yes, I know everyone else hates that part), over and over because it hurt so bad. And you know what? It's that quality of feeling "too much" that I craved; the proof was right there in those pages that I wasn't an automaton. I had feelings. They just weren't excited by anything in my real life. There's still an element of truth to that. I'm frequently much more moved by my imagination than the world; but I'm no longer completely separate from it. And now I have real people (including animals) to love instead of just the ones on paper. (Family, you know, doesn't light that spark no matter how great they are.)

But I still love that reminder that I can be hurt.

PS--The song "Driftwood--A Fairy Tale" by Cursive falls in the above category. I have antidote songs, too, like "Down on the Upside" by Ocean Colour Scene. Or something by Supergrass. Catchy British pop is my happy place.

It's ridiculous how much the light changes here. I work from 6:30-5. In the winter, I arrive at work in the dark and leave in the dark. In summer, I wake up and go to sleep while it's light. Amazing.

The dogs are doing well, and I am amused by how often the seem to unconsciously mirror each other's position. More often than not, they're lying with the same orientation, even if they're not next to each other. Like how you cross your arms when the guy across the desk does. Mr. Darcy will be sad to see her go on Tuesday, I think.

( belated doctor who squee, w/ spoilers )
That's all for now, I think. Mr. Daroga and I watched the first two episodes of Rome the other day, and we're definitely on board for the rest. Also re-started Neon Genesis Evangelion, which somehow I'd forgotten the sheer amount of awesome of. God, the intro song/montage makes me cry. I'm actually not kidding. I need to get that.

#I just realized I'm feeding Mr. Darcy all natural free-range chicken strips. For dogs.

#It's time to go through the cd collection again and put everything in the right cases. You have no idea how much I wanted to listen to Joseph Arthur's Big City Secrets right now. But it's roughly equal to how disappointed I am that I can't.

#I got birthday money. But I've suddenly become old and responsible, and I can't rationalize spending it on presents for myself. Because I do that all the time, don't I?

#The best bit of last week's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me: Upon quoting Bush saying he's "the commander guy," someone said, "Do you ever get the feeling Stan Lee's scripting this entire administration?" Excelsior, True Believers!

#There is entirely too much waiting in my life right now. No word on house or auditions. That's on top of general anxiety over hiking for 5 days next week and book proposals.

#Embarrassing fact: I've been listening to 70's soft rock. I have no idea why, except that it was probably what I heard most growing up, so now I feel all squishy and nostalgic. Don't tell anyone.

#This video of a dancing horse is awesome. Yes, I know it's called dressage. But still! It's cool! Thanks to... was it synaesthete7?

#If I was either more clever or less lazy, I'd have bolded words or letters to spell a message to you. But I am not either of those things.

#The fact that there are Japanese girls doing Phantom in drag is just about the most awesome thing ever.

#The phone rang while I was typing this. It was not a casting director or a real estate agent. It was my best friend, so that was cool. But come on!

I love road trips. I'll go anywhere, nearly anytime. Unfortunately, Mr. Daroga is not of the same mindset. Mr. Daroga likes to be "productive" on his off time, which is all very well but makes for boring vacations.

A compromise was reached last weekend, and we (me, Mr. D, and the other Mr. D) went up to the San Juan Islands to rent a cabin. This cabin came with a beach, an outdoor hot tub, and a wood stove with a glass front. The area is gorgeous, and reminds me a lot of northern California. But smaller, and with more ferries.

Speaking of which, the canine Mr. D was not overly fond of the ferry on either crossing. He stayed in the car the whole time, occasionally pacing in the back seat. He liked the cabin, though--or rather, the smells outside it. He wanted to be outside all the time, which is unusual, since he usually wants to stick to us like furry glue. So we tied him up to the cabin's porch (I told him he could pretend he was a "real" pitbull), left the door open, and started working.

Mr. Daroga's working on a comic which tells the story of his dad growing up in rural Florida. There are lots of rednecks in the stories. And snakes. So Mr. D's putting together transcripts of his dad talking into a script for his comic.

I got some good work done on my book, and finished a book about cult films (it sucked) and the Cerebus volume Church and State v. 1. I also spent a lot of time walking the dog and taking photographs, which I hope will come out as awesome as they seemed to be at the time.

Usually, I'm an advocate of camping. Mostly because it's cheap, but it's also fun. However, the cabin really was ideal. Even though we did what we were supposed to be doing anyway, doing it Someplace Else was good. I think it lifted the burden of other, more mundane commitments, off our backs.

Plus, I made a kickass fire. Mr. D was not even impressed. He is a fool, and does not appreciate me.
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( twelve character meme )